..Yeah, hello, you caught me at my lowest, I don't really want to speak to anyone, but plainly laying out what I feel here makes me feel exposed and naked. Still, I have to lay out what I feel to sort myself out.I've been having many problems communicating with, you know, everyone else. No matter how much bond I have with them, I feel restricted because of my past of not wanting to lose so much again. I restricted myself to the point I couldn't really see someone we mutually like as friends..But at the same time, I want to make them to enjoy being with me. I yearn to see someday someone gets to approach me that I fully accept as my friend, but that's not really happening any time soon, I still heavily doubt it, no matter how much I deserve it, it is not yet the time.And then, there's this side of me that refuses to listen to anybody who are worried and concerned about my well being, mostly a few that gets to know me a little bit deeper. No matter how much they tell me to take care, no matter how much they tell me of how valuable I am to them, I don't take it into mind. Something tells me what they see of me doesn't matter, as how much I see myself is. I know that's wrong, but that's how I think at this point.I couldn't even change for anyone or for myself, even if I motivated myself to do so, I'd give it a week before I go back being myself again.Forgetful, I'm forgetful. I couldn't remember what most of my past care takers talked about, what the names of my classmates were, even a year ago, even the events that happened in my life, nor even things that are important to me. I don't take photos of my everyday life, how my relatives pestered me so much about it made me think it's a genuine waste of time. I've known how important those actually were, but it went to the point I couldn't really smile for the camera.Being misunderstood is a common occurrence in my life, often angering people of the way I spoke, or making them say mean things to me for not getting what I don't understand; people everyday gets more comfortable to be aggressive as much as they want, and it's never going to stop. so that's why I wouldn't say so much and keep quiet.I want to look at the stars one day, I want to escape from it all even for one day, I sit in a field of grass feeling the cold wind under the midnight starry sky one day.